Soldier of Love

“Still looking for the light, the endless pool on the other side. It’s a wild, wild west. I’m doing my best. I’m at the borderline of my faith. I’m at the hinterland of my devotion. I’m in the front line of this battle of mine, but I’m still alive. I’m a soldier of love.”

-Sade

As I structure my next dating experiment, I’m doing a literature review of my dating history. I must analyze my methods and conclusions from past experiments to structure a robust new experiment. I would like to eliminate douchebaggery from my life while maximizing shared humanity and emotional intimacy.

Speaking of extreme male douchebaggery (I briefly dated a pick-up artist), I came across this breakup letter from June 2011.

You had me intrigued before I even laid eyes on you. As I read the ridiculous hilarity that is your okcupid profile, my heart pounded at the potential awesomeness of an encounter with such an apparently charismatic, yet possibly insane, individual. Snowseason was over, and I wanted a new brand of entertainment. Dating season entertainment. Then suddenly there I was, swept up in the J**** storm, riding the J**** roller coaster. It was exhilarating. It was like I was under a spell, enthralled by your aura, chemicals combusting. Chemistry, je ne sais quoi, cosmic collision, call it what you want.. I couldn’t help but want a piece of you, to dive deep into the dark pool and explore, grab me a fistful of mullet.

And it has indeed been a rollercoaster. We have had so much fun together… the romantic “Huey Lewis” date, wrasslin’ times, pony-whips, pellet guns, electric skateboarding, gastronomic adventuring, cuddles in the night… You awaken something in me, and it wasn’t long before I started to develop feelings for you. But I have also felt uneasy, conflicted, and extremely guarded.

I never attempted to define our relationship. I wanted to keep it chill and fun.. but eventually I began to want more. It has taken me a few days to process everything, but now I feel like I can finally tell you where I stand. I’ve been sowing my wild horse oats for many years, and it’s just not satisfying anymore. I am looking for someone to fall in love with and be committed to. I’m still hopeful that it exists out there somewhere, and I intend to go find it. I am a soldier of love. Can I walk with The Beast while remaining in the front lines of this battle of mine? No, I can’t. You can’t be half a gangster, and I can’t be half a girlfriend.