Dick Moves

“I prefer a man who saves his dick moves for the bedroom.” I sent the message out into the ether, smug and satisfied at my one last brilliant comeback. I tried to push him out of my mind. Where could I possibly go from there, anyway? To engage would be like saying that kind of treatment is ok, and it’s not. Another one bites the dust, before it even began.

As it turns out, I have dick moves, too. I’ve got dick moves for days, and I have NOT been saving them for the bedroom. I’ve been slapping around my big dick, pulling moves left and right.

I’ve dicked my way out of two friends’ birthday parties, a PAO warrior meet-up that I organized, and most recently an offer from a man who would have given me just about everything I’ve ever wanted from a man. It made my heart feel funny—warm yet anxious. My “thanks but no thanks” might as well have been a donkey punch straight to his kidney. All these people offering me love, and what do I do? I slap them in the face with my dick. These people are my friends, and I truly care about them… so what gives?

I have a snow boner.

I have to ask myself: “Am I acting with a compassionate heart or am I being controlled by my hard on for snowy, mountainous peaks?” My answer is that I don’t think these things have to be mutually exclusive.

After years of my life being stuck in the vise grip of hip dysplasia, I’m alive again—exploding with all the fire, the wyld, and the fierce that has been suppressed within me for so long. The dam has collapsed and there is no stopping the rush of life force spilling out of me. I’m being swept downstream, away from my past and towards the great unknown… and the ride is exhilarating. I surrender fully to my momentum.

I call this era my Renaissance of Stoke. I’m grabbing life by its balls, and they are huge and heavy right now. I have this heart and soul imperative to get up to Tahoe as much as possible. Snowboarding was the love of my life for several years. We’ve been reunited, and I am horny as hell for my lover. I learned how to ski last weekend, and a whole new world has opened up. I’m obsessed. I’m already dreaming about it at night. Learning a new sport has turned a corn-slush spring day into the equivalent of a powder day. My hips aren’t perfect or pain-free, but I feel strong again. My limp has shifted into a swagger. In the PAO life spectrum, this is where I am now—getting after it, HARD as a motherfucker.

So how do I manage the inevitable winter rift wherein my mountain aspirations clash with potential nonsnow commitments in the Bay Area? I’ve let some people in my life down, and my guts are twisted over it. Just because I’m swept up in this wyld rush of stoke doesn’t mean I can’t see what’s passing me by on the banks of the metaphorical river.

It starts with honesty, openness, communication, self-awareness, and compromise. Honesty can sometimes feel like a dick move in itself, but what other choice do we have if we truly want to live an authentic life? By keeping it real and communicating with each other, we grow in our relationships with each other and with ourselves. Noncommittal half-truths serve nothing but our fears.

Next time I am invited to a mid-winter event, I have to be completely honest from the beginning and say that I’m sorry, you’re my friend and I care about you, but I just can’t commit. I’m wholly devoted to following my passions at this time. Let’s compromise and find another time (mid-week or after snowboarding season) to connect with each other. I have to honor where I’m at in life right now. Perhaps it might seem selfish to some, but the fucked-up PAO-induced darkness that I suffered through has taught me that life is too short to spend always trying to appease other people. Sometimes self-sacrifice is warranted—it’s a part of being a true friend—but I also need to be true to myself and to my soul quest.

As I came face to face with my own inner dickbag potential, my armor softened. High from a day of massive powderstoke, I cautiously reengaged with the aforementioned Mr. Dick Moves. When it comes to the meaning of life and dick moves, are there shades of gray? Definitely. Unexplained dick moves, however, are tough to overcome.. but not impossible. It requires second chances. It requires dropping some of our armor. It requires honesty and authenticity. I like to believe all of these things are possible.